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I was raised in the Baptist church - I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and was baptized at age 9. I married at age 17 and had a baby at 22. The marriage was not a good one

But God in His infinite mercy and love continued to reach out to me. He began a gentle journey of discovery with me as He faithfully tried to show me the error of my ways. When I was about 30 years old, I began to seriously listen to Him and realized that if I were to 'survive' emotionally as well as physically, I needed Him. In 1987 I completely, totally surrendered my life to Him and embarked on a remarkable walk! I grew to know Him on a deeper level as I learned more of His ways ... as I delved deeper into His Word, a whole new world of love and mercy opened up to me. It was at this point that He really began turning my life around! He led me into uncharted waters - working in my church by singing in the choir; becoming actively involved in the 'singles' group; working with the teens, and subsequently to teach a 'young marrieds' Sunday school class. Yet, throughout this wondrous period of spiritual growth, I continued to battle with occasional 'dark' times of depression. I would often ask Him to take it away - to heal me - but it seemed that I never got an answer, and that long-awaited healing never came ... and like Job in the Bible, I had Christian friends telling me all the reasons that God was NOT healing me! Some of these included "You should pray more"; "You should fast AND pray"; "You must have unconfessed sin in your life"; or "You must be harboring unforgiveness against someone"... They were well-meaning folks, but their reasoning did little to help me or to comfort me; instead, they had the opposite effect - I began doubting my effectiveness as a servant of Jesus.

The years passed, and one day while shopping at the local Christian bookstore, I found a small book entitled "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23". It was no accident that I found this little book that day; it was to have a profound affect on my life - indeed it would change me forever! I read about shepherds and how they care for their sheep - how much a good shepherd actually loves and cares for each of his ewes, rams, and lambs. I learned what silly creatures sheep are, and how much they depend on their shepherd for their very survival. As I read, I prayed "Lord, please speak to me now - please open the 'eyes of my heart' and allow me to see what You want to teach me through this wonderful book." The author compared these earthly shepherds to The Great Shepherd, Jesus - I was awed by the realization of how deeply He cares for us (His sheep) on a daily basis. If it weren't for His care, we would surely perish from our own foolishness; from unseen, unknown dangers! Then I came to a passage about some of the 'troublesome' little lambs that constantly wander away from the safety of the shepherd and the flock. They put themselves in terrible danger - even to the point of death - by straying so far away. So, occasionally the shepherd will be forced to break the leg of one of those headstrong lambs in order to keep it near to him, and safe from harm. In that moment, I could clearly hear the Lord's voice speaking to me. He said, "Remember your anger and rebellion in your 20's? Remember how far away you strayed from Me? Do you understand that I had to break your 'leg' to keep you near Me? This is the reason your depression has NOT been healed - it is your 'broken leg'! It is the very thing that will keep you from straying away from me - it will keep you next to My side all the days of your life... it will keep you clinging to My hand with all your strength! It's because I LOVE you that I have not healed you!"

WOW...what a stunning revelation! With tears running down my face, I cried out to Him, "Thank you Lord for your love - for your perfect love! Thank you for being MY Shepherd." In that moment, I realized that He HAD answered my many prayers! It wasn't the answer that I wanted - it was the answer that I NEEDED. I have never been the same since that day! Through all the years that have since passed, those 'dark' days come a little less often; but when they do come, I simply lift my eyes to Him in praise and that 'darkness' recedes in the glory of His light... as I grip His hand a little tighter!

By Laney Entsminger