What is Love? I thought I clearly knew the meaning of this word “Love”. I have always been careful in making my decisions and for this matter I was extra careful. Then what happened?
I usually sat here alone reflecting on my life; things I have done wrong, things I could improve on and so on. The laughing matter is that my entire life has been filled with signs of caution. Growing up in an Indian family there were always restrictions, especially for a girl. Ma (mother) always said, “You cannot bring shame to the family” and being the eldest I would shake my head and follow. My parents weren’t really conservative but they did have their strong beliefs, and we kids had to obey. Now, I don’t disagree with what my parents taught me; I know they taught me well and I am happy, but I always wondered what if I never had these morals would I be any different? I did spend half my life in a foreign country and I believe I was highly cultured than my cousins who lived back home in India; which explains why my parents emphasised on the values of our culture. Hold up let us stop here! I was talking about love wasn’t I? But I guess I should give a slight background to this story.
As a teenager I went to school, got good grades, had really close friends and did a lot of things that I enjoyed. This carried out till my adulthood so I pretty much had a good life. Although drinking and partying every weekend didn’t really interest me, not because I was scared of my parents but just in my opinion. Throughout my life I met people, people I mean by guys; some nice, some strange but in all they all were good. The time when all my friends were falling in love, I was hiding out. I mean guys told me that I was attractive (I didn’t believe this) and they enjoyed my company but I always took a step back. Now, this attitude was because of my parents, I was scared! I never wanted to shame them and I couldn’t hide anything from them. So, from this you can see that I never had a boyfriend; I had plenty of guy friends and one I thought I was falling in love with but I could never admit it. When it came to giving my heart away I was always very cautious and afraid to be betrayed.
I have this strong urge for chocolate ice cream hmmmm....
Anyway, I should carry on.
The dictionary meaning of the word Love is “a strong feeling of affection”. I thought we were in love, I mean I had this strong feeling of affection for him and that’s why I am sitting here today craving ice cream and getting my swollen feet massaged. Whenever people speak about love, we hear the story of Romeo and Juliet. I wonder what if Juliet didn’t die would she find someone else and fall in love, again. As the phrase goes time heals, she would have forgotten Romeo and would have eventually moved on. Why is love such a thing that people would end their lives for it? Was Shakespeare being overly dramatic? I adore that play but I still don’t get what is this feeling which can drive anyone mad. For seven years even I thought I experienced it.
But today, I am alone. I am gaining weight every month, my back has an excruciating pain but there is no one by my side to hold my hand and say, “Hun, it will be alright’”. I do remember our first kiss, when we thought we were just friends. He slowly moved towards me, which was unexpected and his lips brushed against mine. I was 24 and I experienced my first kiss, quite late I know. The soft touch, the rush of adrenaline, my heart beat accelerating; I felt everything that once my friends told me. And to be honest it felt amazing. So, I did fall in love at the age of 24. I wasn't a naive teenager or someone who just started to experience adulthood, I was mature and I thought I made the right decision. My parents were happy when I told them they agreed, and life seemed on track. I had a good job, a nice home and a perfect partner to spend my life with. Life couldn't be any better!
Years went on, for me this feeling that attained from our first kiss grew stronger and stronger but I guess for him it started to become a burden.
One morning when I woke up, he wasn't by my side. Well, he has been quite distant, but I thought it was due to pressure from work. I thought I would never be a cliched wife and I am sure I wasn’t. We didn’t talk much and I think for him I was invisible. There were no fights but that silence just took over our lives and now it was impossible to break this barrier. I wanted to tell him about the good news, but I guess he didn’t want to hear. He was gone. And he never came back.
After six months, I am stroking my round belly. I don’t hate him for doing what he did; I am just disappointed about my judgement. I thought I made the decision, but my most important decision was faulty. My friends who had relationships when they were just sixteen were settled. They had a happy family and a loving husband. This makes me think, maybe being scared of love as a teenager might have been a mistake; hence lead to my poor judgement. But then again my parents, they are happy and they never had bf/gf. Maybe after awhile marriage just becomes a compromise and you have to hold on to all the broken strings till the end. Love is nothing like what Shakespeare’s play portray or any film, through the eyes of media love is exaggerated. That emotional bond soon turns into lust and once the desire is gone, love is gone. This is not always true, but in 21st century the word Love is misused and played around with.
Love is just a mystery, it's one question which cannot be answered in simple terms. It’s one feeling that can drive you mad and one that can give an eternal happiness. In my mind it will always be an unanswered question. What will it be for you?
By Shalini Guleria
