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A very elegantly dressed woman sat next to her very dapper man. The couple was

easily well into their 80s. I was seated a few tables away -- and the reason I noticed them, at first, was her elegant style of dress; and his dapper outfit.

It isn’t often nowadays when you see a woman with a lace neck scarf, pill box hat with veil, and silk evening gloves. Nor do you see a man like hers; with the silk bow tie (hand-tied), vest, with pocket watch and chain. Pure class.

Although it was their dress and mannerisms that first drew me; it was the following conversation that snared me. The dapper man spoke: “Darling, I have decided to get myself a cup of tea. Would you appreciate one for yourself?”

The elegant woman responded: “Splendid. I believe a cup of tea would be just the right thing. How delightful of you to ask.”

The dapper man replied: “No darling, the delight is all mine in being able to serve such a beautiful and kind woman. Knowing that in serving you, my needs have been met.”

The elegant woman smiled.

After listening to this brief exchange, two thoughts crossed my mind; first, who in the world speaks like that? Second, it did not sound stilted, or practiced, even though the language is flowery -- the tone of the entire conversation was thoughtful, kind, and sincere. Their language was as elegant as their dress. Got a minute?

When the dapper looking man returned with the tea for his elegant lady; I approached their table. “Excuse me for interrupting. Allow me to introduce myself; I am Kevin Hughes, a comedian on board the ship. I do relationship humor, and I have to admit listening to your little conversation intrigues me. I have never heard a couple be so kind to each other with words.”

The elegant woman reached across the table and with her gloved hand squeezed the hand of the dapper man. They both smiled.

“Should you tell him darling? Or would you rather then I tell him the story?”

“I believe it would be much wiser for you to tell the story. First of all, there will be no embellishments; and you, after all, are the one who initiated the change in my behavior.”

(Again, I was stunned by the use of language. There was no artifice -- this was real talk. As strange as it sounded to my ear, there was no doubt of the

sincerity and lack of artifice in their conversation.) 

“Okay. Thank you for allowing me to speak first Harold; I shall tell the young man our story.” The elegant woman then turned slightly in her chair so that she could look directly at me. She smiled, crossed her hands in her lap, and then began to speak:

“On our 40th wedding anniversary -- the children threw quite a shindig for us at a local restaurant. While I was getting ready, Harold (and she looked over at him and smiled) was being finicky. “Hurry up. We are going to be late. All the kids are probably already there. Your hair looks fine just the way it is. We should have left already.” At this, Harold looked a little sheepish. She

softened the blow with a smile though; and continued to speak: “I did not like the tone of his voice. We drove to the restaurant in quiet. Not the peaceful quiet of a long-term couple enjoying the silence. It was the quiet of two people who are just trying to avoid a confrontation. It was uncomfortable.

When we got to the restaurant -- early I might add -- everyone was there. There were several short speeches before dinner, and Harold was busy entertaining everybody and making sure they were taken care of; everybody but me, that is.

When evening drew to a close, and we piled into our car after hugging our children goodbye. It was a very cold, uncomfortable silence, on the long drive

home. Harold noticed -- but did not mention anything.

When we arrived home, I marched straight upstairs -- closing the bedroom door behind me. Harold knew that was not a good sign. He knocked lightly on the door, opened it, and asked politely:

“May I come in?”

“Certainly”. I replied. I sat in front of my makeup mirror, Harold came over and sat on the edge of the bed -- so that he could look at me.

“What have I done?” He asked.

“Harold, you have spoiled my 40th wedding anniversary -- it should have been our wedding anniversary. In part, it is my fault, I should have spoken to you years ago -- when you first became unkind.”

“What do you mean, unkind?” he said to me.

He was startled by my accusation of being unkind -- you could tell it was a surprise to him.

“I mean exactly that. Unkind. Over the last several years you have become less kind to me. Less polite. You’re always in a hurry -- very rarely do you

consider my efforts, my comfort, or show any concern for how I might feel. I will not tolerate it.

Tonight was our night, honey -- you made it yours.

You made sure everyone else was seated, and aware of your pride -- but you did not make anyone aware of your bride. I will not accept this. You are much

better man than that Harold, or I would not have married you. I want you to be kind to me again.”

From that moment on; he was kind to her. 

In our lengthy conversation that followed the story she told me; I discovered a few things. Kindness, turns out to be one of the necessary ingredients for a long-term relationship. If not the key ingredient. Harold had always been kind to her since they first got married; then, he started to slip occasionally -- eventually ending up being unkind.

She was a strong enough woman to point out to her man, that being unkind to her, was unacceptable. She told him point blank; “I will not tolerate being treated unkindly.” Harold was smart enough to realize she wasn’t kidding.

She told me that Harold begged for forgiveness that evening. The following morning he awoke cheerful, polite, and kind. At first, he exaggerated his kindness with overly flowery language. That would make her chuckle. Then he said: “It became a habit. Just like brushing your teeth, or shaving, or going for a walk every morning. I didn’t even notice it after a while. I just got in the habit of using very proper, formal, language. I would say things like: “Good morning my darling. I hope that you slept well, and your dreams were filled with interesting thoughts and desirable outcomes.” She would laugh.

There is another secret besides kindness revealed in that last sentence... “she would laugh.” That laugh reveals that they both have a sense of humor. Kind humor -- not at someone’s expense, rather, at someone’s expanse! We will leave

that alone for right now; let it simmer in the back your brain -- the idea that humor can be kind and uplifting. Humor is part of a longer-term relationship and we will talk about it in a future article.

They both told me that when they first started using exaggerated kindness, it felt a little uncomfortable, a little stilted. These use to laugh a lot at their flowery language. They would try to out do each other; making up sentences that sounded like they came from an 1880s romance novel; and not

from a modern couple living in the year 2000. I asked her what her favorite sentence was -- could she even remember one that stood out?

“Oh yes Kevin. I remember clearly this one:

“It is time for you to wake darling. The sun cannot hold itself back anymore. It is creeping up for a better view of your smiling face. The clouds have all tried to crowd in; to get a glimpse of your face, but the wind will have nothing of it -- and is busily blowing away the clouds so the sun is shining directly on your perfect porcelain skin.”

They both laughed heartily at this -- and she told me that Harold managed to get that entire sentence out- with a straight face. I had to laugh too.

Harold and his lovely bride Eva -- taught me a lot that evening. How underrated kindness really is in a relationship. How language can reflect what you are feeling inside. You can also hide how you feel; she chose not to hide her feelings, telling Harold ; exactly how she felt. I wonder how many of us are astute enough to know what we need from our partner? I wonder how many of us are strong enough to to specifically asked for that need to be filled. It must be very difficult to ask for a hug when you need one --especially if your partner is unaware that you need a hug! I wonder how many feelings are hurt -- just because one partner, or the other, never asked. She did not really ask Harold to be kind -- she told him to be kind. She knew what she needed from Harold. She told him directly and without anger or malice. Because there was neither anger nor malice in her language or demeanor -- simply an honest desire to be treated respectfully and kindly -- Harold responded (pardon the pun)

kindly. And that is another lesson -- people who care, can confront each other and disagree, without being disagreeable. Because she was kind enough to allow Harold to maintain his dignity when he was being corrected; Harold became kind

enough, to be the kind of person she wanted him to be. I learned many lessons from that elderly couple -- whom I only noticed because they were well-dressed, well spoken, and well mannered. How often in today’s world do you find that

combination of character traits? I guess the best way to end this article would be the way they said goodnight to me:

“Kevin, we wish sweet dreams of people you love, doing things that make them grow. We hope that when you rise in the morning your outlook will be brighter than the sun. We hope that the day brings you the joy that you have brought us with your conversation. With that we bid you good evening and a pleasant nights sleep. Be kind to yourself.”